When I went to see my kinesiologist on 8 Dec 2018, she told me that I needed to let Mike go. Having him in my mind and life and holding onto him was holding me back. She said to me, “Prove to me your Buddhist practice and chanting works. Use your practice and let him go.”
I set about on that journey, taking action and focusing on my life and chanting to be able to let him go and show actual proof of my practice in my life. I pushed him away from my mind, my focus was on never calling him again, never reaching out, learning to live without the possibility of him ever existing in it. You know, it is a helpful lesson but is almost the inside out way of doing things.
As they describe it in Nichiren Buddhism, karma is thoughts, words and actions. I started by changing my actions and trying to reverse engineer my thoughts and words and keep rechecking my actions. Asking people how they behaved in such situations and trying to emulate it. I needed to fast track my letting go so I could prove that my practice works. The last time it took me 7 years and the guy marrying someone else, definitely not my top life skill, clearly!
I called and told Mike I never wanted to hear from him again. I was incredibly hurt and I continued to chase after the hope that he would want me so I needed space, distance and clarity. He did end up replying to my email when I asked him to search for it – saying that as much as he cares about he, he doesn’t have the feelings that would lead to the kind of relationship I want. (Whatever that means, oh coz he so knows what I want? lol)
I held onto getting my course notes back, more about that here. Today I let go of that when I realised what I was holding on to and I didn’t need the notes for that.
7 years ago I stopped writing because Jai talked about dreading receiving another of my long articulate emails, talking about my feelings. I stopped writing long windy words, I stopped thinking in long form. I told myself this broke my relationship and I need to stop being that way, the way that breaks relationships. And now, it took another broken relationship to lead me back to writing again. Once again, I can connect with what I had been missing. It doesn’t matter who reads it, I want to release it into the universe and write because that is what my soul wants.
Last week the seeking to approve of and embrace myself, brought me back to writing and connecting to myself. And now when I have that, I don’t need Mike or Jai or anyone else anymore en route to myself.
And then there’s Julia Roberts on TV tonight in Eat Pray Love. There was a scene where they are talking about words for cities and people. How Europe or rather Italy knows the sweet pleasure of doing nothing while Americans need to feel like they earned it – they would work really hard and then sit in front of the TV for two days. The word for London was “stuffy”, New York was “ambition” or “soot”, Rome was “sex” and Julia Roberts aka Liz Gilbert couldn’t find one for herself – “daughter”, “not-so-good-wife” or “writer”. Her friends say, “That is what you do, not who you are.”
It got me thinking, what’s my word and it didn’t take long to come to me. The movie is still playing and I found my word –
I figured this last year. What I want in my life is connection, with myself, with others, with the Earth and the universe. I can’t live a superficial existence with polite smiles and greetings, although being in Australia, I’ve learnt how to find connection even in those.
When I was thinking about Mike and what I really wanted, I realised, I didn’t want to cut him off from my life. I wanted connection. Perhaps my folly was I wanted more connection than he was willing to give and it was because I couldn’t connect to myself without the conversation. When I am struggling to connect with myself, I become a bit crazy with seeking connection outside of myself. And no surprises that it obviously doesn’t work.
I learned, I do want to be friends with Mike. The same way I am friends with my best friend in Europe – Ash. Ash is the most intelligent person I know, he makes me a better person just by being in my life. I have immense respect for him and trying to be the person he deserves in his life as a friend makes me better. If I can do that for him, I want to be able to do that to be friends with Mike and with others and most of all for myself.
Connect to others where possible in a way where I am still focusing on connecting to myself.
I tried calling Mike, he didn’t answer. I wish him well, let it go and smile at myself for trying, move and keep looking for connection.
It does tend to find me eventually.
As long as I keep finding it… in me.
So, what’s your word and why? Comment on this post and tell me! <3