Finding Freedom

Since last year one of my prayers has been to be able to live a life of true freedom. The last few years of my life have been very shackled because of my health condition. It has been like walking a tightrope – making sure I have food to eat according to the diet and I’m managing everything within the limited energy constraints. There’s been the stress management aspect where I get so stressed that I eat the wrong things or binge eat on the right things, either way it’s been really harmful. Also, not being able to accept the reality of my dietary restrictions, the fatigue I could accept eventually primarily because I didn’t even have energy to fight it but also because I just ate to cope with it.

There was a time of my life wherein I ate a big bag of sweet potato chips every single day, sometimes two. I never kept them at home, because I wanted to be stronger. Instead I would walk across the street, even in rainy and freezing whether, sometime before the supermarket closed at 10 pm to get my fix. Every day I would try to get by without them and every day I couldn’t. They were my only trusted reliable companion.

When I look back at that, I’ve come a long way. Even having one day without the chips would be called progress I think.

Now with the progress earlier in the week and my ability to problem solve, I’ve found a solution to have freedom for now. I’ve found a way to sleep early, not be cooking all the time and eat breakfast and wake up early. I am not yet ready to say what the solution is because I’m protective of my tiny sapling of goodness and light within me. I’m also afraid of judgment. I just know though that I’ve found the right thing and it will work for me.

I’m doing the emotional brain training as well and just on day one of reading and listening on the website, I could find so many new things to ponder on. I have them in my notebook, will write them up when I have five awesome points to share!!!

Somehow my prayer in my mind had been to find a way to befriend the experience of my emotional brain and how I feel it in my body. I feel I’m on that journey now and only good things can come from it, not saying though it will be linear or easy.

As I sit in a shopping centre typing this post on my phone before I can visit an SGI member in half an hour, I already know I’m doing well.

Things I did differently in the last 24 hours:

  • I didn’t buy my favorite potato crisps from the health food store
  • Just so I don’t get tempted to buy junk food, I did click and collect for my grocery and didn’t go into the supermarket.
  • I couldn’t eat all of my big lunch and didn’t stuff my face with it.
  • I slept off at 7 pm yesterday and woke up at 5 am today. Cooked my lunch in the morning and ate watermelon for breakfast, chanted fifteen minutes and still got to work on time.
  • Didn’t eat sushi or other food at this shopping centre even though it was tempting

I kept following some of the techniques from the emotional brain training and then reminding myself of what I want – freedom. And I’m creating it in my life.

I’m proud of myself, it’s been a rough day with thoughts of Mike occupying my mind. What could’ve been, what wasn’t, and feeling … I don’t even know what the word is … longing for being with him or someone like that I connect to.

Then I remind myself, now is the time for freedom and for me to connect to me.

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