Today I recognized how my body resists things that would help relieve its suffering. Instead it tends to hold onto stress and what keeps creating that stress. This happens especially during PMS. E.g. I would be curiously dehydrated. I’ll try to reach for water but my body instead wants different textures like chocolate (creamy), chips (crisp), polenta (soft) and so on, gulping those down on auto pilot, while shutting down my attempts to drink water.
The dehydration and PMS and this kind of eating would lead to bloating, lack of sleep, sore eyes and severe shoulder pain. Then my body starts to store stress it’s not able to detox.
Usually this kind of realisation would send me into panic and a frenzy of trying to find the health professional who would be able to help me because clearly the current one can’t catch it. That would create more stress and make things worse and I’d feel helpless, useless, weak and begrudge my life.
Today, on day three of resuming my Buddhist practice properly, I observed what my body wanted and let it have it. I bought two packet of chips a small and a large coz my body wanted the safety net. I ate the tiny packet of chips and my body observed how they seem to have what feels like grime and decided it didn’t want that brand again. Then it wanted to eat the other big bag and I started eating it. As soon as I ate the second chip, my body could taste how they were fried in yuck oil and threw them out.
Then I ate some fruit, a tiny piece of chocolate, a dragon fruit and some polenta.
I kept skirting guilt and let myself so what was needed. I realised it was not a physical hunger need but this was clearly serving a purpose. It seems like at least ten days before my period my body starts to go into panic mode. It seems to go into damage control and wants to have this kind of over-safety.
Usually this would also lead to mental panic and anxiety for me. Today, I reminded myself that my life was guilt endowed and the solution will come from within my life, my Buddha nature, just where the problem had come from. I accepted the solutions I could come up with today and I accept that and have faith in my practice.
This led me to write a list of very clear manifestation of symptoms for my traditional Chinese medicine doctor that I’ll see on Saturday. I’m sure they can help me.
Then I gently decided to drink more water, chant, take my Chinese herbs, wash my face and go to bed. I almost didn’t write this post because I am too tired. But I so didn’t want to miss this day when my body panicked and I supported it and didn’t panic overall.
You see. It’s the first time ever that I could accomplish this.
Yesterday’s study came in handy.
And here’s an excerpt from today’s study.
From NHR volume 2, page 264:
Shin’ichi closed by saying, ” I hope all of you can declare, ‘No one enjoys more benefit than I. I’m the happiest person in the country!'”
Found the determination to tune into until March 16 at least.
How do you handle panic and anxiety and fear programmed in your subconscious? What’s your practice?
PS – I will fix up the font later. Typing on my phone and now heading to bed.