I spent all weekend studying numerology books. It was like binge eating, stimulation addiction. I didn’t sleep, cook, just studied numerology.
It threw my system out of whack, as all such binges do. I couldn’t go to my Buddhist meeting on Sunday morning because I was so sleep deprived. I did somehow cook lunch for Monday but worked from home.
Today I was so exhausted that I needed to take a sick day. Clearly didn’t do so well in looking after my delicate self.
Some good things came out of the binge though:
First, I found an affirmation which the book recommended to say 15 minutes everyday to reprogramme my subconscious. I edited the wording of the affirmation to add a couple of attributes when I started saying it today. It goes like:
I welcome a life partner who loves and cares for me, who respects me and understands my life, who is financially stable, takes care of his physical and spiritual health, who embraces commitment, and sees me as his equal. Together we are strong, and our unconditional love is boundless.
Would you believe that all these things don’t come naturally to me? I tend to attract men who are none of that. If they treat me well, I behave as though I am not worthy. This affirmation to me is so much about believing what I deserve rather than asking for anything.
Second, also, in my crazy numerology study, I started looking up a psychic and long story short ended up seeing her yesterday. The key takeaway from my relationship with Mike, she said was:
I had a soul connection with him from a past lifetime. However, he was afraid of the connection and didn’t want to feel tied down so didn’t even a chance. He came into my life to teach me the life lesson that even if I feel extremely connected to him, I can walk away, because I deserve better. I am stronger than him and willing to be present, he saw that too even if he didn’t acknowledge it. But I love myself enough to walk away.
Finally I got the message and closure I needed, yes there was a strong connection, yes it was for real. It was not reciprocated and it is on him, not me. However, I do need to learn and remind myself I deserve better.
It’s a bit amusing, outrageous, pathetic in a way that I need a psychic to tell me I deserve better. Until now, my whole process of letting go has not worked because it came from, I can be better rather than I deserve better.
Again, another lesson in loving myself. It is so missing in my life that I miss what I am missing. Get it?!
Today after long hours of sleep, I can perhaps say I have processed it more and now I know what to learn to I can let go. As soon as I remind myself, I deserve better, I feel this stress release from my body and my breath.
And yet, it is not a natural part of my being and my rhythm yet.
Soon. Getting there!