Yesterday I went to a Buddhist training course. The training courses usually have a format where you break into small groups and discuss based on study or some questions. It ends up being quite an organic discussion process. When I started practising, I used to find this format quite unnerving. I enjoyed lectures more and it wasn’t my style to share my life with people. In my view, I was there to learn, I didn’t see how that should relate to me sharing about my struggles.
Over time and with chanting and study, I realised that this stemmed from a deep sense of unworthiness about my own life. Inherently I felt that, I did not deserve to occupy space. That nobody wanted to hear what I have to say and that my words were not worthy and my experiences did not matter. In the last training course, I met a member who has now become a dear friend. Speaking to her made me realise the significance of my struggle. All my life suddenly seemed to make sense, that I was preparing and training to accumulate life experience to be able to encourage her through my continued struggle to win over my negativity.
Yesterday, I was the first one to jump up to share my view of the study when they asked for volunteers. So unusual for me. Usually I am a reluctant or fugitive ‘voluntold’ rather than an enthusiastic volunteer. I still fought through my negative mind mocking me for wanting attention or limelight.
Anyway, I digress. In my group study and discussion, I talked briefly about my continued struggle with health problems and how sometimes it becomes a masochistic practice where I feel my practice is significant because I am struggling. Another member mentioned how he had digestive problems for ten years but continued to pray with determination to overcome it. After ten year he found a doctor who fixed his problems. I asked for his doctor’s details. He advised me that she is very good and usually very busy that when I call her, I could expect a 3 month wait and can get on the appointment cancellation waiting list.
This morning I chanted for an hour and 4 minutes after clinic open time, I called them to make an appointment. The admin lady said, “Usually this never happens but we have a 9 am appointment tomorrow, do you want it? If not, we have the next available appointment in May.”
I asked her when would I get out of there because I have my citizenship test tomorrow at 11 am. She said that I would be out of there in an hour and if my test is in the city, it won’t take me an hour to get there.
I booked my appointment for tomorrow.
Tomorrow morning I will go see the new doctor and appear in my citizenship test.
I am determined to do my best in both. For my citizenship test, I have the following prayers:
- “I get there on time”
- “I am approved to take the test”
- “I pass the test”
- “I am cleared to get my citizenship”
My prayers for the doctor’s appointment:
- “I get there on time”
- “I get the correct diagnosis and treatment to cure my health issues.”
- “I have strong life force to cure all my health issues”
- “I pray for absolute protection and the doctor’s life condition to be elevated to that of a Buddha.”
- “Let me experience WITH MY LIFE the power of this prayer – not just for myself, but so that I can encourage others.”
- “I pray for all the people having health issues around me to get the correct diagnosis and treatment and be cured of their health issues.”
- “I pray to have absolute faith in the Gohonzon in my life, with strong determination to set fire to damp firewood and produce water from parched ground.
As Sensei says:
“Result is a reflection of your faith in the Gohonzon. Whatever you are thinking in front of the Gohonzon will be true for you. Are you thinking failure or victory? Are you trying to tell the Gohonzon how to solve your problems or are you turning over your heart’s desire with unlimited trust to the Gohonzon? The Gohonzon’s power is beyond the comprehension of our minds. This is why we call it mystic. Our challenge is to dream of results as big as the power of the Gohonzon, which has no limit. With this attitude of faith, you can tap the infinite power of joy, gratitude and victory. If you find you are stuck, pray to release the chains of doubt and fear clouding your mind of faith. Pray for unbounded confidence and courage to win over your past and joyfully step into your bright future.”Daisaku Ikeda in World Tribune
The fight continues!