The Month Gone By

Lots happened since my last post on 13 April.

My nearly 93-year-old grandma passed away, my last remaining grandparent, the last one holding the fort. It was incredibly beautiful to send her off, and yet incredibly sad. A part of me still keeps waiting for her to say my name and put her bony frail hand on my head and complain about how I haven’t yet gotten married and how she worries she won’t see me again before she dies.

I applied the complete power of my practice to be able to let her go in peace, to be strong, to be determined and undeterred, just like her.

This whole experience showed me the meaning and power of my vow for kosen rufu. Even though I live really far away, I was the first grandchild away from the city to land and see her. And my travel wasn’t even sudden, it had been planned for 4 months. It was as though she came to my parents home and my hometown in time to say goodbye to me, almost as though asking me to chant for and with her so her children could let her go and so she could go peacefully.

Even after everyone arrived, she continued to hold on. Turned out, she was waiting for my niece to have her birthday party. The birthday party finished a little after 10 pm on 23 Apr and grandma passed away a little after midnight, when the date had changed.

I chanted by her bedside the day we moved her from ICU to a small hospital near home where she could be surrounded by family all the time. I chanted by her lifeless body that looked bright and pink in death, courageous, sitting up tall not worrying what my relatives and neighbours would think.

I chanted with my two uncles, aunt, my aunt-in-law, my father, sister and mother. While my grandma was in the hospital, I went to attend the April discussion meeting in India, and presented the concept of Human Revolution. I visited a couple of friends in Gakkai and chanted with them. I taught Gongyo to my aunty, my friend who I introduced to the practice two years ago, and my niece. I introduced another of my friends to the practice and the friend I had introduced when my uncle was sick in Feb expressed his desire to learn gongyo.

The deep connection with kosen rufu and my focus on respecting the dignity of my own life and everyone else’s life around me kept me going, as a source of strength to others in my own way.

Now I am back to Sydney, trying to find my rhythm. Exhausted. A little bit broken.

It feels as though the trip to India this time, healed a bit more of my brain injury from chronic fatigue.

However, every time this happens, I find I have to recalibrate. I feel like I jumped off a plane and now am having trouble finding my footing. Or perhaps, I got a new pair of legs and I sort of need to learn to stand on my own feet again and gingerly learn to walk in this new musculature again. Slowly it will feel normal – only if I persevere in my practice, otherwise I will keep looking for crutches and weaken my muscles again.

Time to redetermine and slowly build my life force again to stand up alone in my faith courageously.

Hope you all have been well. <3

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One thought on “The Month Gone By

  1. I am very sorry to hear about your loss. Recently, I’ve been advised to keep talking to your lost ones because they can still hear. It’s a new chapter in your life without her. I will pray for you. Take care.

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