Today was a gigantic mammoth magnificent milestone in my practice. I got up on the stage and shared my experience with 400 people. I shared about my abuse and almost open sourced this information. It is no longer privileged and secret information. I can no longer keep track of or control who knows about it. This information has been set free in the wild and in turn I’ve set myself free.
When I was asked to share my experience, I was going to share the same experience as what I sent to the Indigo magazine. However, my leader nudged me slightly and when I chanted I realised I was missing a huge opportunity. How many times in my life would I have the opportunity to share two unique experiences within a span of a month! Usually the experiences from the meeting are published in the magazine, not the other way around.
As I started to chant to write this experience, I realised it has to be very powerful and courageous. More so than the experience I had already shared. My leaders advised me of the differences between written and spoken experiences, how having too much detail is hard for people to follow in 10 minutes. I still didn’t know what the content would be, just that it would be about my work.
I chanted ahead of sitting to write this experience. I had profound realisations about my life and was crying for the whole hour I was chanting. I realised that my father and his constant push for my achievement was the source of everything positive in my life. His grand vision for me had always made me seek bigger, better things. This is where my seeking spirit came from, the spirit to never give up. Until this point, I had resented him pushing me so much but when I realised the role this had played in my life, I could not stop crying for having him in my life.
I was very nervous and excited to share my experience today. The state team had already read it and approved my experience and had great comments about it. Still, this whole getting up on the stage isn’t my thing so for the last few weeks I had been chanting to be in high life state while I share my experience.
I invited some friends to come to the meeting, a significantly smaller group than those I invited to dance. When I had decided my experience would be about work, I’d invited a handful of people. When I wrote it, it had sensitive things in it. But I wasn’t going to retreat. So I persevered on.
I invited Mike to come to the meeting too. In the beginning, he was being classic Mike and didn’t say much. Last week, I let go and started chanting for me to see that my daimoku can penetrate and move even someone like him. The tone of everything started to change. First, he responded that he hasn’t been managing his calendar well and he would be there for my party in a couple of weeks. I courageously asked him if he would come to the meeting too. He said, he should be able to, he will see. In this moment, I had to check myself from my usual cynicism and apathy and believe his words for what they were.
The next day he asked me why I was up late and started a conversation asking how I was. When I shared my stress about exit interviews at work, he gave me some good advice and sent me some books to read, even offering to lend me his paper book. Instead of jumping at the opportunity to meet him to pick up the book, I said it wasn’t worth the effort and he could bring the book if he wanted otherwise I was happy with the e-book. This was a HUGE change from my usual behaviour where I either bent over backwards to meet him or was completely angry and shutdown any meetings because of my anger.
Yesterday, I refused to talk about work and asked for access to his media server that he gave me readily. I reminded him about the meeting today, just as I did for all of my other friends. I didn’t hear back, I thought nothing of it.
Today, when I was up on the stage and sharing my 10 minute long experience, I saw him in the audience. My heart did a back-flip. It was a HUGE victory for me for him to show up in the meeting after 13 months of my chanting for him. To me, it was a sign of my own transformation in my dealings with him. Even though I saw him for a split second, he very much knew the depth of energy exchange in the moment. I explained to him afterwards and it was clear he got it.
I got some big hugs and was just happy to see him. I introduced him to my other friends who had heard a lot about him. It was simply relaxed. I wasn’t thinking about what he thought, what others thought and attaching meaning to everything. Every time I found myself saying something off-track I would excuse myself and go talk to my other friends rather than having this need to just tag along with him.
It is very clear to me that I still deeply love him. However, it is now my mission rather than my desire. I am determined to never give up on his happiness and I will continue to pray for him, no matter what. I am determined to believe in his potential, even when he says nothing to me and doesn’t let me into his life. I don’t have to wait for that. Thankfully, I can rely on my prayer.
I continue to chant for a healthy relationship in my life and focus on building an indomitable self like Mount Fuji.
With Mike, my goal is to have continuing dialogue so he can see my “before” and “after” journey. Also, I really cherish having him in my life, it enriches my heart. The last time he saw me in Oct 2018, I had had a breakdown. This time, he saw me talking with absolute ease about my deepest life experiences in front of 400 people. If that is not absolute proof of my practice, I don’t know what else could be.
Ok, that has helped me channel some of my energy. I was too bouncy to sleep, I needed so many hugs. Funny how writing fills in for hugs, it is like me hugging my own heart. Haha.