I started my new job over a month ago. I’ve also been paired up with a professional mentor Andy. So far he’s been the go to person for me when I start to feel overwhelmed. In my last catch-up with him, I wanted his views on how to get the best from my manager. He gave me some tips and asked me a very pointed question, “Do you trust him?”
At the moment I said, yes of course I did. I wouldn’t have joined his team if I didn’t find him trustworthy. I also said that my default is trusting people so it’s a bit of a different way of being.
Then my mentor asked me whether I would trust my manager with deeply personal things. And this made me quite uncomfortable. He said of course trust is a deeply layered thing and you don’t have to be comfortable. But he just left me with those questions and thoughts.
The next day as I was chanting in the morning, I had a deep realisation. Contrary to what I’d said to Andy, I actually trust nobody at all.
I have been making an effort to break through that by revealing a bit more about myself and my vulnerability but I still tend to operate by categorising information and cordoning off parts of myself. I tend to observe the behaviour of people around me to build a benchmark of what’s deemed acceptable in my surroundings and this informs my categorisation. I’ve been making more and more effort to just be myself but it’s still a difficult journey, how to be vulnerable without giving up responsibility for myself.
Every time a person, such as my manager, doesn’t respond in the way I “expected”, I downgrade them for certain kinds of trust. E.g. my manager not giving me feedback on my summary note to share with the team tells me he doesn’t have capacity to deal with it.
When I deeply reflect on it, I find that I don’t understand the concept of trust very well. The only trust I can build and carry at this point is trust in the Gohonzon. That no matter what, I will be ok and I will win over everything.
Does this make me a little bit too independent and isolated because I can’t let go of myself and be with others? I think I’m fact my trust is earned very very slowly. It takes years and years for me to trust someone a little. Mostly I have just learned how to be without trusting anyone and build an indomitable self that doesn’t need to rely on anyone in particular. With my close friends and family, I trust them to support me to the best of their ability when needed. However, I have to keep reminding myself that ultimately, I alone am the protagonist of my life and destiny.
I just don’t know how trust fits in it. Yet. Perhaps I need to start testing it slowly by giving people the opportunity to step up. However, I don’t like being calculating. I think I need to find the right prayer to expand this area of my life. Time for guidance perhaps!