Today I started writing my own “New Human Revolution” inspired by my mentor Dr Daisaku Ikeda’s writing.
This morning when I couldn’t get out of bed due to continued lack of sleep and exhaustion, lying in bed, I pondered on why I do this to myself… why I couldn’t treat myself better, why I couldn’t get my daily cooking finished in time to sleep in a timely fashion, why I overate so late the night before, why I had no control over myself, why I am still alone and still so bad at it.
I decided to allow myself to slow down and work from home in the morning. I started reading my conversation with Jai from June’18. I needed to be reminded of what I tend to do when I am shrouded by negativity, how it manifests itself and his advice on what do do about it, how this cycle of negativity continually feeds into my life and keeps me stuck in a vicious circle.
Jai was the love of my life who first made me aware at a visceral level that I am lovable. At 27 years old, I had never felt it before in a way that connected me to myself. It was an addictive feeling and I became more and more dependent on it. I had no idea then whether I could have that within me, not having someone else to keep facilitating my connection with myself. I probably still don’t have that answer but I am several thousand steps further along on that journey.