Learning to Communicate

For as long as I remember, I have been this person judged and admonished for being rude and arrogant. I have been direct in my communication to the point of aggressiveness. I suppose I lived all of my childhood with such deceit and farce of a “happy family and childhood” while hiding behind it being such a complete two-faced lie that my life was, I became extremely direct and truthful in my communication. There was no filter between how I felt and what I said, I didn’t care how my words affected the person in front of me. In my view if they couldn’t swallow the bitter pill of truth I shoved at them, it was their problem. After all, my life was about swallowing the bitter pill of life everyday.

Further, the lack of emotionally healthy people who had time or capacity to teach me emotional self-regulation and communication made it worse. I was little and picked on by many, the only defence were my sharp words and there was no way I was going to let go of them. I had a habit of launching physical assault in a fashion befitting my little-ness – I would just quickly hit the bigger family member of my generation with both my hands before they could grab both my wrists with one hand and immobilise me and render me completely helpless. This stopped one day when my aunt complained vehemently about this behaviour to my mother. From what I recall, she shamed my mother and scolded her for being incapable of “controlling” my bad behaviour.

My mother in her fiery temper tied my hands with a rope while scolding me and slapping me, asking me if I would ever do it again. After that day I was rendered completely defenceless and helpless. I developed an even more fiery anger and deep resentment and powerlessness over my ability to look out for myself.

Anyhow, I digress. This was why words came in handy until I ended up in a job I really liked and found out that everyone disliked my guts and arrogance. That people could not deal with my aggressive attitude and arrogance.

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Tuning in, tuning out of my negativity

As the struggle with food addiction goes, today wasn’t the most successful day in terms of behaviours. However, it was also an incredibly busy and quite a stressful day. If I started to describe what happened with my day, it would seem that I figured what I needed to do and did it quite well. It was a high functioning day from that point of view. However, there were many points during the day when I was checking in with myself and I observed my inner emotional state was quite stressed.

It’s a revelation of sorts. Usually I am so driven by what I am able to accomplish and get done and so focused on it that I don’t even tune in, I presume that if I am able to do things, I must feel good about it. I am sure a part of me really loves being productive, turns out that is just not the emotional part of me. Or rather being hyperproductive seemingly isn’t joyful for me.

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